College production

[College dorm room with a walling sperating it and about 5 feet of space on stage left. Alexander is sitting at his desk on corner of the room]

[Enter Mike from stage left. Mike sighs before he unlocks the door]
Mike: Hey
Alexander: [Awkward hand wave] Yo

[Mike keeps the door open with a brick and sits down at his computer, back to alexander facing the audience]

Alexander: I am so hungry
Mike: I think the dinning halls open in like 15 minutes
Alexander: You know I don't eat that shit.
Mike: Why not? Its not that bad...you get used to it if you ever ate it
Alexander: I don’t want to get used to it...I want the food to be better
Mike: Well that’s probably not going to happen
Alexander: And I am probably not going to eat in a dinning hall again...I am going up town. Now all i need to do is get my car
Mike: Your driving?
Alexander: Yes its too cold to walk
Mike: Its like a 5 minute walk its not that bad and its only 40 out...not that bad
Alexander: look stop questioning me...do you want anything from the liquor store?

[Voce from behind the wall screams]

Mike: No thanks, I really wish you didnt bring stuff back to the dorm just to stock up, it would be a lot better if you bought stuff when you were gonna drink it so we dont have bottles just laying around.
Alexander: Thats just cause you dont fuckin drink anymore...when you used to drink you didnt care!
Mike: No I cared I just felt like I didn’t have a leg to stand on…seemed hypocritical since I had my bottle of wine or whatever…but for godsake you have a goddamn liquor store in desk
Alexander: see ya later...I am gonna be late tonight I have so much fucking japanese to do[Exit alexander]

[Mike Turns on Lou Reed’s Street Hassle and starts to work]
[Enter Josiah when Lou Reed starts singing and stands in the doorway]

Josiah: Whats goin on chief?
Mike: Hey josi
Josiah: I just say alexander in the hall, he looks like he is bracing himself for antartica
Mike: Yah its a little absurd isnt it
Josiah: Ya and he asked me again for Japanese help again…I cant say no to him since I am so good at it and he is the worst in the class…the teacher always asks me to help tutor him since he is so bad…like he consistently has the worst grade in the class and I cant just let him get the worst grade
Mike: Yah that is no good…he is really just gifted at sucking in school and has this belief that he is actually good at classes
Josiah: But he is so freaking creppy…like last night we were in the study lounge and he kept talking to this girl and was asking her all these personal questions about her life and if she had a boyfriend…all I wanted to do was be like “Alexander stop, your fucking weird and she is not interested in you”
Mike: Well then say that too him
Josiah: I cant that is too mean…I don’t want to hurt his feelings I just want him not to be a freaking social retard…[cell phone rings] Hang on a sec [answers the phone] Hey baby…ok calm down…I am sure it wasn’t that bad…well she is just…oh…oh…well I will be over after a shower and we will work it out and get a good dinner…ok I love you to…bye[hangs up] That’s was Christina, her room mate threw her out cause her boyfriend came over. How can she do that?
Mike: Haven’t you spent the past three nights in her dorm?
Josiah: Ya what is your point? Its not like we did anything; we just slept in the same bed.
[Voice one scream from behind the wall and then starts playing Micheal Jacksons song from Free Willy or Spirit in the Sky on repeat until otherwise noted]
Josiah: Don’t those screams bother you?
Mike: Not really you get sued to it…You are always there and in her room…I mean we feel like you practically live at her dorm now…don’t you see that as problematic toward you development in college…you don’t have any real relationships in this dorm
Josiah: I still don’t get your point
Mike: Never mind
Josiah: So anyway…does it bother you having Alexander as a room mate?
Mike: Not really…he and I are never in the room together and when we are we stay in our own separate spheres…he has his music on, I have mine…its sorta like having a cat as a room mate
Josiah: He’s just so creppy…don’t you ever wonder what he is doing all the time? Like when you are asleep or when he is in the basement? I mean I always wonder what Todd will do next. He is just such an awful room mate with his constant piles of clothing and bringing girls back to the room and never studying. Can you realy blame me? You wouldn’t want to live there either and I have a girl that I love living about ten minutes away.
Mike: Didn’t you try to break up with her?
Josiah: Well she and I were in a hard place and it was the first week I wanted to be with someone new…but I realized I really lover her, when she threatened to kill herself…although sometimes I want to leave and go have fun like todd…but I can’t leave her because I would never be able to deal with myself if she killed herslef
Mike: uh huh…that doesn’t seem to be a good basis for a relationship…I am with her simply because I am afraid that of the repercussions if I leave her…if it is like that can either one of you be truly happy?
Josiah: No I love her…when she is normal….when she goes crazy is when I want to leave her…and I don’t know we have been together for two years now and I want to be single at college but I don’t want to lose her…I want to see what type of girls I can get if I am single…I want to take a break but I don’t know how to tell her
Mike: Well does she want to take a break? Does she no that you feel this way?
Josiah: No and that’s the problem I would totally broadside her if I told her I want to take a break…she would never see it coming she thinks we are the perfect couple
Mike: Well you have a serious problem…either you to tell her and possibly ruin both your relationship on a romantic and friend level or you do nothing and let the problem continue to fester until you finally explode
[Enter Todd in his boxers]
Josiah: Jesus do you ever wear any clothes?
Todd: What?[puzzled] Who needs clothes?[puts his hands in his boxers]
Mike: It would be a nice change of pace
Todd: Haha yah…want to go smoke?
Josiah: How can you smoke it’s a fucking a Tuesday?
Todd: Whats your point? I don’t have any more classes today
Josiah: But still its Tuesday and you smoke yesterday
Todd: Ya…oh I need the room tonight I have this chick coming over
Josiah: Jesus, this is the third time this week…I cant even live in my own room can I?
Todd: What do you mean? I let you and Amanda fuck the other night
Josiah: We were sleeping and you and the rest of the hall came into our room drunk as hell and played madden at four in the fucking mouring
Todd: haha yah[totally oblivious]
Josiah: whatever[exit]
Todd: So do you want to go smoke?
Mike: No thanks…I don’t smoke
Todd; You did that one time
Mike: And looking back on it…it was a bad fucking idea…besides cigarettes have just as good an effect on me
Todd: Yah…I fucking hate him…he’s always like Todd this and Todd that…He can’t just chill and let shit happen…he is the worst room mate…and he is always talking to his fucking bitch and shit…and when he’s not doing that he is doing homework…who the fuck does that?
Mike: People who want to go to grad school?
Todd: Yah exactly who the fuck wants that? I know exactly how college is gonna work….I am joining alpha sigma pi, I am gonna fuck a lot of bitches, gonna play some beer pong, and I am gonna be a pysch major and get a job with my dads company! But right now I am gonna go smoke and fuck this asian chick. Cause an asian is like plus three right? My plan is possible, right? You don’t see any problems right?
Mike: Nope no problems…one question have you taken any pysch courses?
Todd: No
Mike: Any Science?
Todd: Next semester, right now I am in athletic sciences…like I go to the rec everyday that counts for something right?
Mike: Sure, taken any math courses?
Todd: Why would I need those
Mike: No you will be fine…I am sure that medical schools will be dying to except you
Todd: Man what the fuck is with Grahm he is the worst fuckign RA in the world. Like last night he wrote me up for drinking except he had no proof other than I was vomiting…and that could have just been because I had bad sushi right?
Mike: Sure, we are in a small town in center of the state but its possible
Todd: Yah it was fucking bull shit he claimed that he could smell it…that’s impossible because I was drinking vodka and vodka doesn’t have a smell so I can get caught…so I am appealing it on that basis but I need a character witness…can you be my character witness?
Mike: Yah sure…when is the trial
Todd: The fuck do I know
Mike: Right well that might be important and your basising your defense that you were drinking but that it should theorectically be impossible to smell the alcohol, even though that the idea that vodka has no smell is just an joke?
Todd: Yah man…like I have never smelled vodka have you?
Mike: I would advise you to plead the 5th and not say anything and let your lawyer do all the talk
Todd: Oh I am gonna rep myself…I don’t need a bullshit lawyer pleading my case I can take care of it myself, all I need is you as my character witness…Hey I gotta go shower man talk to you later…were gonna go smoke and go get drunk[exit Todd]

[Enter Shawn and right as he enters another scream and the music turns off]
Shawn: Man he is the gayest for always screaming
Mike: Yah
Shawn: School is the wrost…I am so sick of tests…I feel like right when I finish midterms there is another midterm waiting for me…and I am so sick of my room mate…like he is a nice guy but he never leaves the room it’s the worst…then again you have the creepiest room mate ever…where is he I haven’t seen him in forever
Mike: Went uptown for dinner
Shawn: That is the lamest…does he even live here anymore…I never see him…not that is a bad thing since he is the creepiest…when are we going to that club again?
Mike: Whenever
Shawn; How about tonight? I want to go dance with bitches
Mike: Can’t class tommorow
Shane: yah besides I should go talk to Allison…she is the best…I would be all over her if I didn’t have a girl…why don’t you go after her…she is the greatest…and way cuter than anything that you have had in a while
Mike: Maybe…I don’t know…she and I don’t have a lot in common
[Screams from the other room, two voices this time]
[Enter Allison]
Allison: Do the screams ever bother you?
Shane: They are the fucking worst
Mike: Grown used to them
Allison: Can you get us some alcohol Mike?
Mike: Don’t drink anymore
Allison: But you can still buy it right?
Mike: Well I am not gonna make the trip tonight but you can take Alexander’s, top shelf of the closet
Allison:[Opens the closet] Aww all he has is beer I wanted vodka or schmirnoff ice or something good
Mike: Sorry…but I have to do work and cant party tonight
Shawn: Isn’t Alexander the fucking worst and the creepiest
Allison: Ya kinda…he doesn’t try to be creepy
Shawn: He just sorta is naturally…he should really change it…and he should stop thinking he is the coolest…did you know mike[looks at mike] that he thinks he can kick your ass…like last week end he was talking shit about how if you ever did anything he didn’t like then he wouldn’t hesistate to hit you…that fuckin bitch…he is the weakest and everyone in the hall would kick his ass
Mike: Right…I know he wont do anything he is just trying to figure out his status in the hall…this is the first time that he has had to make new friends in a long time…I guess…that’s what he said the first couple days
Allison: Well I think I am gonna go I need to go pick up my laundry from the basement
Shane: So do I…I’ll walk with you
[Exit Shawn and Allison, enter Todd]
Todd: Are you sure you don’t want to go smoke?
Mike: Ya
Todd: How can you be friends with her? Shes cute but shes a motherfuckin NL
Mike: What?
Todd: An NL
Mike: What the fuck is that?
Todd: A fuckin nigger lover…fuckin nigger is taking our girls…I mean what type of girl likes fucking niggers
Mike: Oh…yah…whatever
Todd: You shouldn’t talk to her…I mean she’s a fuckin nl…who knows how much nigger is in her at this point[Exit Todd]
[Loud high pitch scream, mike shakes his head and continues to look at his computer, the music from the other room goes on again and mike twitches]
[Enter Graham]
Graham: Don’t even pretend you will ever grow used to the screams
Mike: Yah…just easier than admitting that they freak you out
Graham: Yah so whats going on?
Mike: Not a whole lot…got to listen to Josiah complain about his self created problems…Mike ask me a dozen times to go smoke and listenin to him act like a racist. By the way he is pissed at you for writing him up
Graham: Like I give a fuck…he was vomiting in the shower and had a fuckin bottle in his hand…what was a supposed to do? I can’t turn a blind eye to someone holding the bottle and besides I really don’t give a shit what he likes...he’s smoked him retarded
Mike: Yah I have noticed…when he started about how Allison is a nigger lover and shit
Graham: yah what the fuck is with that? Its not like he is from West Virginia or something…why the fuck is he such a racist
Mike: No idea…so what’s up with you and Allison? I saw that she spent the night again
Graham: I swear that nothing has happened…she is just obessed with me its kinda creppy
Mike: Ya…why hasn’t anything happened? She is cute and into you
Graham: She’s not my type of girl and she is a resident and I am an RA, I feel like I would be violating some not existent rule
Mike: Gotcha…valid reasons
Graham: Excpet something has happened…see the other night when we were lying there she kissed me and we started to kiss but I had to stop…you can’t tell anyone that!
Mike: who the fuck would I tell? Todd, Shawn, Alexander, Josiah? Haha yah right that would be stupid
[Screams No Fuck You in a drawn out high pitch shrill]
Graham: Haha yah that’s true
Mike: should have heard Todd talk about Allison and how she was a nigger lover and shit…god I can’t believe that people still believe that shit
Graham: Ya and he wonders why I haven’t done anything to help him…in all actuality I don’t like most of our hall…like you and a couple guys at the other end are good but Shawn is so loud and obnoxious, Todd is always drunk and stoned and is a narcissist, Josiah is too whiny and wont stand by his convictions
Mike: Yah that’s the problem…well shit I have a class…talk to you later
Graham: Later man[Exit]
[Songs End, mike gets up and starts to pack up his stuff. Enter Alexander with food]
Alexander: Hey
Mike: Hey, got a class see you later
Alexander: Ya I will probably be out all night studying
Mike: Ok see ya whenever
[Exit Mike and close curtains]

Boob Tube

[Mike and Tommy sitting on a couch watching a tv]
Mike: why are we watching this thing? Its not like we even like the show that is on
Tommy: Ya but what else is there to do it’s a bout a million fucking degrees outside and I am not feeling any more Tony Hawk
Mike: Ya we have been playing that thing for 5 hours straight, what show are we even watching?
Tommy: I think this is the celebrity reality show but I am not sure since I don’t recognize any of these people
Mike: I that fat guy might have been the bassist in semisonic
Tommy: Who were they?
Mike: A 90’s one hit wonder…they had that song closing time?
Tommy: Oh yah…right well do you consider him a celebrity?
Mike: No not really but then again this station is fascinated with people that were once kinda celebirty’s anyway
Tommy: not like they got anyone interesting or even a celebrity
Mike: At least these commercials are sort interesting
Tommy; Not really we have seen this cleaning product commercial about a hundred times now
Mike: Is that what this commercial is for?
Tommy: Ya that’s what I think I mean you never actually figure out what it is for
Mike: I thought it was for a tech company with the dozen of dancing rabbits in a pastoral field
Tommy: What the fuck what part of that reminds you of technology
Mike: Nothing I just figured it would be the next mac commercial. We already had dancing people, now its time for dancing animals
Tommy: You really are an idiot of genius I haven’t decided which yet
Mike: I am betting on idiot savant
Tommy: See this is a useless commercial, why does porschea need to advertise. If you an afford a Porsche you now about…Its not like a millionaire is going to see it and go oh fuck where did that come from I have never heard of them before
Mike: Yah but if they don’t advertise how are we going to know that there is 2% interest rate on a 100K car
Tommy; That is very true but still why advirtise on a channel that is universially watched by slackers and stoners?
Mike: Maybe it will inspire someone in a post-grad school slump to go and get that medical degree that there mother is always talking about…that or it’s a way to manage the population…play this commercial at three in the morning after all the underachievers have been drinking and they realize there lifa has been a waste and go and attempt to drink themselves to death
Tommy: That is a terrible idea…mostly because I am sure we will know someone who will do that later in life…dude change the channel, I can not watch any more celebrity weight lose
Tv. Announcer: Police today caught suspects with the intent to spray paint thirity major city monuments and hand out communist paraphernalia. Police chief Assman says that this was a major victory for the anti-terrorism squad but fears that more criminals may still be out to graffiti our city’s monuments. Thus he ahs raised the threat level from purple to pink.
Mike: That is so stupid I am sure that they had been waiting on that information for months and waited till the mayors numbers to be low enough that this bullshit would boost his numbers. Actually I bet that there never even was a bust he just made it up to help hi image
Tommy: Maybe but the tatic certainly works my mom deffintiely loves the mayor when he accomplishes something like that. It makes her feel that the government is actually doing its job. Then again my mom likes it when she sees a Mexican being arrested and sitting on the curb. I wonder if that makes her a racist
Mike: In my book it does…but whateve everyone is a racist in some form
Tommy: Ya that is very true…ya know what I have noticed is that the supposed Christians are the most racist…Just look at the local church they have taken a firm stance against Gay Marriage, Immigration, and Anti-Poverty funding. So that means that they are against gays, Hispanics, and the poor. I bet they would shoot a gay poor Mexican on site.
Mike: Nay they would just try to convert him, which is way worse. I mean at least when he is gay poor and Mexican he has his own image instead of the image of a follower of some dead guy from a couple thousand years ago.
Tommy: Yah….ok change the channel I am sick of the news its always depressing. Put it on cartoon channel
Mike: Yah ok…Now that is just wrong why would tampax be advirtising on a kids channel? Its not like and 8 year old is gonna get her period. She doesn’t have to worry about bleeding for at least another 3 or 4 years
Tommy: I heard that Billys kid sister got her period and she is only 10
Mike: I doubt that…or at least I hope that its bot happening because she will be infiretile at 21if that is true
Tommy: Maybe they can freeze her eggs like they did for my mom’s friend
Mike: Oh that is fucked up I didn’t want to know that
Tommy: I could tell you so many fucked up things like that about my mom friend
Mike: I am really afraid to ask what they are
Tommy: Oh I can tell you anything you want to know ever about her…she is a drunk and when I get bored I go over to her house and drink with her and inevitably she tells me about shit…her first sexual encounter, what dick or pussy taste like, how it feels to be fucked up the ass, why she loves orgies, all sorts of fucked up shit
Mike: Wow that is truly horrifying.. you should take me next time you go over there
Tommy: Ok…ya know the weirdest one she ever told me about was when she got drunk in mexico and gave a mule a blow job for a ride home and a drink.
Mike: If we never talk about that again I would like it…Wow this commercial is like amateur porn
Tommy: Oh yah this is that next fast food commercial…where she rides the car and eventually orgasms on the hood…the out take has her stick her had down her bikini bottom and actually actl like she is gonna masterbate to the hot dog.
Mike: I can’t believe that they can show this on television. Imagine what woulda happen if they should a comerical like this 50 years ago
Tommy: My grandfather probably shot the television believing it was the devil taking over
Mike: I can imagine…whats really weird bout this Comerical is that the model is not a model or even really famous for any reason other than that she is from a famous family. Just look at her its not like hse is even that good looking She just seems to be famous because she has always been…and now she is able to manipulate her fame into commercials and bad television.
Tommy: Please she has done several movies and is now a boy scout badge…I was able to bang her thus I deserve a low level badge. I wonder what boy scouts was like?
Mike: I have to iagine that it was a lot like the Hitler youth in Germany… camping, hiking, fishing, Obeying Mien Fuher. You know all the basic brainwashing techniques that go into a soldier.
Tommy: I kinda want a burger after these commercials
Mike: Hoping that a whore willing get on your hoods and stroke herself to the fast food?
Tommy; Sadly yes
Mike: Wow that is pathetic
Tommy: I know that it will never happen but a man can dream can’t he
Mike: Ok Lets go I could eat anyway, maybe we can go hang out with your alcoholic milf
Tommy: Ya ok all we have to do is bring her twenty bucks ad she will deffintely let you drink. Fifty will get you a blow job
Mike: I don’t think that I am that desperate yet, but I will keep it in mind

Bored Kids: Return of the Village of the Dim

[Eating at a Shitty Fast Food Place at Night]

Mike: Ya know what show I really like, It's Always Sunny In Philidephia
Peter: Utter hatred of Danny devito has kept me from that show...I mean he is so short and bald that I actually have the urge to kill when I see him
Mike: Ya I hate him as well but he actually plays a very minimal role in the show, which is why I can stand to watch it. Really the show is just an explicit version of Sienfeld
Peter: Maybe I will want to watch it then, any hot chicks in the show?
Mike: No not really just this guys sister who isn't that hot...What the fuck is that?
Ethan: Kids meal...I am going broke and besides you guys always get me the fucking kids menu
Peter: This is a glorious day that you finally bought the kids meal on your own with out us making you
Ethan: Ya this is what I consider glorious
Mike: So what is the special toy?
Ethan: Looks like a thunder cat
Peter: I fucking hate the thundecats
Ethan: Why because they were a poorly made pathetic 80's cartoon used to manipulate the youth of America?
Peter: No because they are douche bags and they wear a fucking one piece that exposes there bulge at all times
Mike: And its obvious that the animators clearly have a hard on for interspecies erotica because no animal short of a horse or mule can have a cock that large
Peter: You know what would be an awful way to die is by having your legs rip off by a gorilla, then being rammed by a rhino, and then finally being eaten by a hippo
Ethan: Ya that would pretty much suck
Mike: How the fuck did you come up with that combo?
Peter: The posters on the walls of all the different animals
Ethan: You forgot too include the duck...Maybe he could be pecked to death
Mike: I wonder if they could deep fry an adult male great white shark for me
Peter: Not a chance
Ethan: Ya no way they do not possibly have a deep frier that could possibly be large enough to deep fry something that large...That is a fucking band aid in my food
Mike: What do you expect from a bunch of border jumper?
Peter: Yah they should go back to their own fucking country
Mike: Ya know what I want to do is put a cherry bomb in the toilet here
Ethan: What the fuck would you do that for?
mike: To fuck with assholes that work here and its just funny
Ethan: That is a utterly dck thing to do...Its brilliant...You magnificent bastard I salute you
Peter: I wonder how often cavemen used to masturbate?
Mike: What the fuck?
Peter: I mean they must have done it all the time they had nothing better to do than stroke it right?
Ethan: Well besides for finding food, shelter and warmth they had nothin to do but masturbate your right

[Enter two Goth kids]
Mike: Yes the zipper crew is here
Peter: I fucken hate those kids...With there baggy zipper pants and pale faces and fucking make up
Mike: Ya they are ruining metal...I mean they were probably everywhere at ozzfest...Just the idea of seeing all those kids ruined the possibility of the concert for me
Peter: But there was Dragonforce, no matter what there was at least Dragonforce
Mike: Ya but it would be like dragonforce and then we wouldn't want to see all those other shitty bands, like Children of Bodom
Mike: Ya know whatever happened to good metal like journey or Reo Speedwagon...With the tambourine and keyboards
[Exit Goth kids]
Mike: I want to watch Evil Dead right now, which reminds me why haven't we made our movie?
Peter: because Lord Bruce hasn't responded yet
Ethan: Does Bruce Campbell still have that restraining order on you?
Mike: Yes but that will all be over when we see him at Comicon tomorrow, can your brother still drive us?
Ethan: Ya I think so, he hasn't given me a reason that he can't drive, so we will force him to...Have you finished the script for our movie?
Peter: Ah who needs to actually write scipt we can just film it
Mike: I now have a beaver genetically added to my arm
Ethan: Well that will certainly guarantee the movie will be a success or a total failure
Peter: And in the movie we have added a scene were Carson will be shirtless and doing S&M
Mike: Best part is that we don't even have to buy any leather items I am sure he has it all
Peter: He just wants a chance to be on camera without his shirt on
[Exit restaurant...Next shot of them walking an empty store parking lot]
Peter: I want to open a store that is nothing but Lampshades I think it has a real potential...I mean how often have you wanted a special lampshade and the fucking store didn't have the design you wanted
Mike: Never...And this is the reason you can't get a date...You are fucking wired
Peter: Hey I had a date with Cameron it just that she went to Las Vegas
Ethan: yah a fucking month ago...do you honestly believe that she is still there?
Peter: No and I have moved on...its just that I have continued to be rejected
Ethan: Well just keep playing the odd after all you know that if you ask out 1000 girls at least 1 of them will say yes and so its all about odds and then when they do reject you...you just move on to the next girl...no matter how much it hurts
Mike: Listen to the man he has been rejected more than the rest of us combined
Ethan: Hey fuck you asshole...at least I have kissed a girl...That's not my mom
Peter: He has a point all right tomorrow I am going to find a new girl...But tonight I have to go...See yall tomorrow
Ethan: yah see yah peter
Mike: Later Peter
[Peter gets in the car and the camera watches the car pull away and then goes to credits]

Relationships: The Complete Scene

Conversation One: Mike and Jessica
[Sitting in Starbucks]
Mike: Explain this again
Jessica: what's there to explain?
Mike: Well why are you goin out with him? Didn't you say that he needs to get over you? And weren't you the one that felt he shouldn't have a girlfriend before going to college?
Jessica: Ya I did but I couldn't keep rejecting him...The other day he told me that he would never be over me and that he loved me and that he couldn't ever love anyone besides me
Mike: that's really not healthy
Jessica: I know but its sweet he is like a little puppy
Mike: I am pretty sure that this is damaging his ego and general perception of himself
Jessica: He is happy and everything is working out well
Mike: For now, but what happens when you guys go off to college
Jessica: Oh we will stay together
Mike: You don't see this as a bad idea?
Jessica: No way...We are going to be at different colleges...I can have a boyfriend at OCC and him at Saddleback
Mike:What happens if he does the same thing to you?
Jessica: You know he wont he will be completely faithful
Mike: And you will be?
Jessica: Having fun
Mike: Ah sounds like a healthy relationship...If you don't like him why don't you just break-up with him?
Jessica: Because he is a guaranteed source of income and I know that eventually he will be a doctor and will be able to afford any thing that I want...And since I was willing to fuck him I can reap the benefits
Mike: So you are just a glorified whore?
Jessica: haha yah but I have come to terms with it and like the idea of it...Besides I could be whorring my self and not getting any of the rewards just as easily
Mike: Whatever you sound like my mom...Willing to sleep with anyone if she thinks it could help her gain
Jessica: I like your mom she is sweet
Mike: she is a whore and a coke head
Jessica: So is that where you got your drug habit from?
Mike: No she doesn't do downers...I got my cigarettes from her...She always smokes after she has fucked one of my friends or blown the pool guy

[Cut to Shane and Kara standing in the kitchen]
Shane: You FUCKING WHORE
Kara: You Unbelievable asshole...We both know you cheated as often as I have
Shane: I have been faithful ever since we renewed our vows
Kara: Oh give it up I know you have been fuckin your secretary for a month now
Shane: Almost as long as you have been blowing the pool guy
Kara: Excuse me at least he isn't the office slut and I wouldn't be blowing him if some one paid some attention to me
Shane: You know I have to work...Its not like my brother is flamboyant tweeker that refuses to get a real job
Kara: Of course attack my family when you are in a corner, its not his fault he is struggling with his demons better than your drunk of a father
Shane: Just because my father enjoys a cocktail doesn't make him a drunk
Kara: Shane I haven't ever seen him with out a beverage in hand in the 20 years we have been married
Shane: Well he has been dead for 7 years now do you think you can let it go?
Kara: Do you think you can let go of my brother?
Shane: No because I have to pay that god damn junkies rent every month and I am sick of it
Kara: Well maybe we would have a little more money if you stopped going to Cambodia, for those special business trips
Shane: What are you saying? When I go there its all business? We have emerging....
Kara: Oh quit it we both know the only thing emerging is in your pants...You go there to have sex with young boys
Shane: I am hurt that you would think that
Kara: I have seen the pictures...The only reason I stay with you is for the coke that your cash brings in, the clothes, and the fact that all my boys like to come here
Shane: What about the kids?
Kara: Fuck the kids...Mike is leaving as soon as possible and never looking back and Ashton is never home...For god sakes I have fucked both ashton and mikes best friends
Shane: You did always like fresh meat
Kara: Fresher the better
Shane: haha so true...Well I am glad we have cleared the air
Kara: SO am I
Shane: I now know you are a whore who is staying with me for Coke and a place to fuck young men
Kara: And you stay with me so that way people forget that you a pedophile and are bordering on bankruptcy....Oh I love you
Shane: I love you too

Conversation Two: Mike and George
[Sitting on a couch in front of a television]
Mike: How are you and Jessica?
George: Things couldn't be better...We are doing soo much better than before
Mike: Ya...What are you going to do when college starts? Are you gonna separate and allow each other to see other people?
George: No...Absolutely not...We are going to stay together...We love each other enough that we will be able to stay together forever
Mike: So is there a situation where you would ever break up with her?
George: Oh no...We are in love...Nothing can tear us apart...I can tell she loves me by the way her face lights up when we go places
Mike: Oh where do you take her? Like just hanging out and stuff like that?
George: Not really when we are hanging out but when we go out...ya know to places like Roys and the mall and stuff like that
Mike: AH pretty high price tag
George: Ya but what else am I going to do with the money...I am spending it on the one I love so it is worth it
Mike: I guess...I am the only one who is going broke'
George: You aren't broke...Your parents have plenty of money
Mike: I don't trust them I think they are running out of cash...Between my moms drug habit and my dads constant traveling I am beginin to think that we re runnin out
George: Oh that's too bad what are you going to do when that happens?
Mike: Hopefully I will be in school that point and I can not have to worry about it
George: What about Ashton?
Mike: Fuck him...All he ever does it smoke pot and hang out with his friends...Besides he loves my parents
George: Yah know you would be less bitter if you had a girlfriend
Mike: Doubt it
George: No totally you need a girl...You would be a lot happier
Mike: There are no girls left in the school that I would date...I have gone through the ones I liked and the ones that liked me...And then there are the makeout kids that I am no longer interested in since I have been there
George: Well what about Joan?
Mike: Maybe I guess...But she is the only girl and even she isn't perfect
George: But you can at least have a little bit of what I have
Mike: No I doubt I can ever have what you have
George: I bet someday you will be in love like me
Mike: man I hope not seems like love makes you blind and I don't need to lose anymore of my senses
George: Oh just wait someday it will all work out for you and you will be happy like me and Jessica

Fucked up: Two Conversations

Conversation One: Mike and Jessica

Mike: Explain this again
Jessica: what's there to explain?
Mike: Well why are you goin out with him? Didn't you say that he needs to get over you? And weren't you the one that felt he shouldn't have a girlfriend before going to college?
Jessica: Ya I did but I couldn't keep rejecting him...The other day he told me that he would never be over me and that he loved me and that he couldn't ever love anyone besides me
Mike: that's really not healthy
Jessica: I know but its sweet he is like a little puppy
Mike: I am pretty sure that this is damaging his ego and general perception of himself
Jessica: He is happy and everything is working out well
Mike: For now, but what happens when you guys go off to college
Jessica: Oh we will stay together
Mike: You don't see this as a bad idea?
Jessica: No way...We are going to be at different colleges...I can have a boyfriend at OCC and him at Saddleback
Mike:What happens if he does the same thing to you?
Jessica: You know he wont he will be completely faithful
Mike: And you will be?
Jessica: Having fun
Mike: Ah sounds like a healthy relationship...If you don't like him why don't you just break-up with him?
Jessica: Because he is a guaranteed source of income and I know that eventually he will be a doctor and will be able to afford any thing that I want...And since I was willing to fuck him I can reap the benefits
Mike: So you are just a glorified whore?
Jessica: haha yah but I have come to terms with it and like the idea of it...Besides I could be whorring my self and not getting any of the rewards just as easily
Mike: Whatever you sound like my mom...Willing to sleep with anyone if she thinks it could help her gain
Jessica: I like your mom she is sweet
Mike: she is a whore and a coke head
Jessica: So is that where you got your drug habit from?
Mike: No she doesn't do downers...I got my cigarettes from her...She always smokes after she has fucked one of my friends or blown the pool guy

Conversation Two: Mike and George

Mike: How are you and Jessica?
George: Things couldn't be better...We are doing soo much better than before
Mike: Ya...What are you going to do when college starts? Are you gonna separate and allow each other to see other people?
George: No...Absolutely not...We are going to stay together...We love each other enough that we will be able to stay together forever
Mike: So is there a situation where you would ever break up with her?
George: Oh no...We are in love...Nothing can tear us apart...I can tell she loves me by the way her face lights up when we go places
Mike: Oh where do you take her? Like just hanging out and stuff like that?
George: Not really when we are hanging out but when we go out...ya know to places like Roys and the mall and stuff like that
Mike: AH pretty high price tag
George: Ya but what else am I going to do with the money...I am spending it on the one I love so it is worth it
Mike: I guess...I am the only one who is going broke'
George: You aren't broke...Your parents have plenty of money
Mike: I don't trust them I think they are running out of cash...Between my moms drug habit and my dads constant traveling I am beginin to think that we re runnin out
George: Oh that's too bad what are you going to do when that happens?
Mike: Hopefully I will be in school that point and I can not have to worry about it
George: What about Ashton?
Mike: Fuck him...All he ever does it smoke pot and hang out with his friends...Besides he loves my parents
George: Yah know you would be less bitter if you had a girlfriend
Mike: Doubt it
George: No totally you need a girl...You would be a lot happier
Mike: There are no girls left in the school that I would date...I have gone through the ones I liked and the ones that liked me...And then there are the makeout kids that I am no longer interested in since I have been there
George: Well what about Joan?
Mike: Maybe I guess...But she is the only girl and even she isn't perfect
George: But you can at least have a little bit of what I have
Mike: No I doubt I can ever have what you have
George: I bet someday you will be in love like me
Mike: man I hope not seems like love makes you blind and I don't need to lose anymore of my senses
George: Oh just wait someday it will all work out for you and you will be happy like me and Jessica

Breakdown and Oso

The Return: A monologue

Mike: Life is true. At least that is the only thing I know to be true. I sure know that religion isn't true. Because if it were true then the people who follow a religion wouldn't be fucking idiots. And since they appear to be idiots, then that must mean it isn't true. Really these people aren't idiots they are just cliches and hypocrites. They believe god is watching only when they are in church or when they are doing good. Never mind when they are driving like maniacs on Oso or being cruel to the kid who is different or they are blowing the pool guy; god isn't watching then. Then they are just having fun. And with this belief structure they have no trouble sleeping at night. Because no one is holding them responsible. Yet atheists have lots of trouble because they know that its only them and that they alone are responsible for their actions. There is no little invisible man to come out and make it all right. Now the atheist would love to be the believer because lets be honest its a cold world when you realize that no one cares and you are alone. I used to think that friendship was true. But not anymore, since I left the school I have seen how supposed true friends act. They act in a way that is neither true not friendly. Then there is love. The biggest phony thing in life.

I have a friend and this friend has a boyfriend who has been going out with said friend for over a year. They have cheated on each other an acknowledged 6 times. That means they must have a couple more they haven't admitted to because I believe that people lie. And unfortunately I am almost never wrong in this belief. This doesn't not sound like a healthy relationship. What's worse is that they refuse to break up and even make the claim that they love each other. If you love someone how the fuck can you cheat on them? It seems to go against the very basic meaning of love. Then whey claim they will get married and I will attend because I care bout them. First I don't care. Second, What the fuck would they do that for? Marriage does not seem to be the right course of action. All that will happen is one of them can come home early and find the other one rollign out of bed with their secretary. As the screaming brats they have for children run by in the hall demanding more money to appease there hatred toward the parents. That sounds healthy. I guess it goes to show that even whores can have relationships. And that the idea of love is just bullshit at this point.

Then I have another set of friends. I am amazed that I have two sets aswell. They are going out. Which ot me is a bad idea since college is coming up and we need to break down relationships, not build them up. Well one of them loves the other one with his whole heart and is infatuated. The other is just tired of rejecting him. That's right she is going out with him because she is tired of rejecting his desperate pleas and seeing him sob into his steering wheel as he drives away. And they claim to love each other. That's what I want for love, love because it is convenient and you can no longer stand to put up a fight. That is the kind of love songs are written about.

And there is me. I have never been in love. And as far as I can tell I don't want to be in love. Being in love from what I have experienced seems to make you do dumb things and annoy the rest of the world with your bull shit. One of the couples apologize for blowing me off by saying they lose track of time when they are together. My only response was buy a fuckin watch. I also have never been in a relationship that has lasted for more than a couple weeks. That is simply because I don't like people and I generally alienate people quickly. I notice the hypocrisies that they commit and call them on it. Not a good move when you are with a girl. Girls seem to operate wholly on the principle of bullshit and hypocrisy. They love to go against what they just told you. Relationships who need them. I get the occasionally hook up and that is all I really want. I don't want a relationship. A relationship brings emotion. And emotions bring breakdowns. And all breakdowns have ever given me was pain. And I am tired of pain in that sense.

Music That Has Inspiried: A Sophomoric Production

Jawbreaker: Bad Scene, Everybody's Fault
Husker Du: Never Talking To You Again
The Mountain Goats: No Children
Cracker: Low
Yeah Yeah Yeahs: Maps
Massive Attack: Teardrop
The Killers: Jenny was a Friend of Mine
Nirvana: Heart Shaped Box
Joy Division: Love Will Tear Us Apart
David Bowie: Life On Mars?
The Postal Service: The District Sleeps Alone Tonight
Lawrence Arms: Porno and Snuff Films
The Loved Ones: Jane
Social Distortion: Making Believe
Rancid: Old Friend